First of all I have a confession to make. This is probably not a surprise to anyone since it is hard to surprise the internet but I am the third generation of Kish Lewis who became Summer Deadlight who became Jixene Rossi. There of course is always a backstory to every story. I feel I needed a fresh perspective in the virtual world. I started out as a newbie in September 2005 and in December of that year my mother passed away real life. It was one of the darkest times of my life; losing my mother was like losing a huge piece of my spirit. I love my mother very much and perhaps I will always tear up when I think of her, at least inside. Regardless my friend at the time showed me how to "DJ" in Second Life® to try to help me focus on something since I loved music. It helped but not enough and I eventually had to leave the world to try to work though the grief.
I came back in November 2006 and made Summer Deadlight, Kitty Extraordinaire!, who became the best part of me. I had so many adventures and exciting times in modeling, Djing, Runway Kidz and being part of an absolutely amazing community that it really became an "altered reality" experience. Here was my friends, my support network, my work that I enjoyed and yes it may have been unhealthy but I was not lacking in any of the emotional and social needs. Around 2009 I started in a program for Alcohol and Drug Counselor at a local University and I excelled at my studies. In 2010-2011 I was still very much enjoying my virtual world and participating but it was becoming apparent that my "virtual world" experience was a possible addiction that I had not come to terms with and I was confronted with the idea that how can I help my clients with their addiction problems if I had my own internet addiction issues. I was torn because I felt it meant pulling away from the world I loved and consequently I did pull away into the great unknown of real life. It was very hard and of course I had many comments of my decision to "retire" that I had done most everything there was to do in fashion in Second Life®. Those were the hardest comments to handle because I didn't really want to go I just felt I had to for the best possible out come to my real life.
It didn't work. I ended up in a really negative relationship that I have tried to examine for a long time. An outside opinion finally gave me a hypothesis that since I pulled away from the only support network I had and I ended back up with something familiar and "safe" in a person that was similar to the patterns and behaviors of others in my real life past. It was a disaster and I ended up even more lost, alone, and hurting than ever before. Since I had pulled away from my virtual life I had no where to really return to. Things had changed over the two years I was in my own limbo. Every time I logged on Summer it would make me remember the past and I felt more and more melancholy and struggled with the anxiety and fear that I knew I had made a horrible decision but what was said and done was done.
So once again I decided to start a new character to try to find what it was in Second Life® that I was missing. Could I fit back in somewhere? Could I find my creativity again? Could I reach for the missing stars I tore out of my sky? I wanted to smile and have fun and meet and greet and find a place to be a part of back in the world. So for the last year I've tried to find this aspect and I still am wandering. I don't feel lost but I haven't found home yet. Perhaps this is how my new virtual life experience will be. For now I shop like a fiend and dream of styling. I am and will always be a stylist (at least in my head) and to inspire my creativity again is a grand thing. I'm quite excited by this new adventure with this blog. I am Kish, Summer and Jixene and most of all I am Jennifer. I will update this as I need to.
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